Hi everyone,

I don't know what happened to me yesterday evening.  I feel like I've been run over by a train.  Last evening I felt like I was starving.  I wanted to go to Curves after work but I was so hungry that I came home to eat first and I started out healthy but then I went totally off the rails and in a way that I don't even usually think of going.  I put it in my Monday Daily Food journal entry.  By the time I went to bed I felt wrecked and frightened and I was so scared that this was the beginning of the end of my journey.  This morning when I got up I was still flipping out and thinking "OMG I gave away all my clothes and now I'm going to have to buy horrible "fat" clothes all over again and that is going to be so expensive!"  My mind was a runaway train and I was heading straight for the cliffs.  It took some serious thinking to talk myself down off the ledge.  I swore to myself last summer that this was going to be the final time I had to lose this weight and that I would keep going until I finished and I swore to myself that if what I was doing quit working then I wouldn't beat my head against the wall I would just change what I was doing in a big way that would work.  I'm prepared to do that.  If I start going of the rails on a regular basis then I am going to try something new and different and I don't care what it is so long as it gives me a chance of success.  Other than my crazy thoughts and trying not to beat up on myself for losing it yesterday well, today turned out to be a normal day.  I didn't have any food cravings, I didn't have any problem with hunger, I ate normal meals, I walked, I played golf, and I feel normal this evening - the crazy thoughts are gone but I'm feeling nervous and a little worried about what the heck is going on with me.  Here's what has been different over the last two weeks.  1) my daughter visited for 10 days, 2) I have not been going to bed on time for most of the last two weeks, 3) I let myself run out of food and did less cooking, 4) I'm more stressed than usual at work, 5) I'm particularly stressed at the idea of socializing on Thursday evening at the retreat/AGM I'm going to, 6) there are big changes occurring in our school division, 7) hormones, learning how to ride my bike, 9) had my yard torn up for a garden, 10) skimping on food a bit during the day, 11) reading more. 

My plan is to 1) Go to bed on time every night, 2) plan and cook meals, 3) exercise every day, 4) post on G2G every day, 5) eat all the food I'm supposed to - no skipping servings of milk, fats, etc., 6) every day in the month of June list one thing that makes me happy.  One more change - I've been reading a blog where the woman has succumbed to temptation by the end of every evening (even if she has to stay up until the wee hours to do so) and then she curses herself and says horrible, horrible things about how stupid and awful she is and what a loser she is.  I think this endless cycle is getting to me even though I'm the reader and not commenting or engaging with the blogger.  I'm helpless to do anything and it really bothers me the way she sets herself up for this self-destructive cycle by putting temptation right in front of herself and then she berates herself mercilessly when she succumbs to it.  I've decided to stop reading this blog because the negativity is not good for me and especially in this weakened state.  I need to stick with the positive, reinforcing bloggers who are fighting hard and to model myself after them.

I don't mind telling you that I feel very shaken by this entire incident.  Last night and this morning I was totally convinced that it was all over for me, even though I was fine during the day yesterday and I'm fine again this evening.  If this feeling strikes again my plan is to NOT give in and to GO TO BED instead.  I don't know if it will work but surely I can do that for one evening and likely I will feel different the next day.  Giving in just opens the door to giving in over and over again and I do not want to set up that pattern/habit.

Just some quick (very quick comments) because I really need to go to bed on time tonight and start living my life by my rules.

Hi Troopersma,  I'm sorry you're having so much trouble getting everything resolved with STBX.  I'm afraid I remember this all very well from my own experiences and it is awful to live through.  Is it possible to get some free counselling to help you find a healthy way to cope with the stress this is causing you?  {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Hi Karrie,  I just want you to know that I'd really miss you too if you weren't here.  I look forward to hearing how things are going in your world.  Congratulations on learning how to do those reports and getting them all right.  Sorry to hear about the "sausage incident."  I felt like the tunnel had caved in on me but I'm hoping that I can still dig my way out and crawl to freedom from this fat prison.

Hi Julie, Congratulations on your loss this week and congratulations on these lengthy and speedy walks that you and Ruby are doing.  I hope that your rash clears up soon.  I think we can do this Julie.  We can own June and we can make this our month to get out of the 220s and down to the last 20 lbs to onederland.  I know we're going to have to fight hard for it but I believe we can make June a month to be remembered with pride.  Thanks for your encouragement.

Hi Sandi,  I hope that you had a good day and got your office organized.  Working on a healthy lifestyle is definitely a big undertaking and at times stressful and scary but it's not so bad one step at a time and even when we hit rough and bumpy times it's still doable.  You CAN take charge of your health and make the changes you want and be lighter by this time next year. 

Hi Anni,  I'm glad that you've arrived safely and I hope you can get the truck fixed quickly.  Have fun!

Hi Boston,  I hope everything went well for you today.

Kathlleen, if you're reading here, CONGRATULATIONS on your run!  You did a GREAT JOB!

Tonight I am thankful to have a place like G2G to share my story and wonderful people like all of you to lift me up when I fall down.  Thank you, you all make me very happy to be here and I appreciate the opportunity to make this journey with you.  Have a wonderful night.

We CAN do this!

Cheryl

"No matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction, you always have the choice to turn around. ~ Anonymous

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